Stop fixing. Start listening.

I often see themes in individual therapy sessions, but there are weeks that I see themes across the board. Another reminder of how we are all connected, and oftentimes have very similar experiences as humans. The theme this week (yes, I realize it's only Wednesday) seems to be our human struggle to be able to "sit in the suck" with each other.

I came across a quote on the Instagram account of @notesfromyourtherapist today:

"I want to be heard. I don't want to be fixed".

This resonated with me after reflecting on recent sessions with clients who seem to be shouting this from the rooftops in their relationships. "I'm not asking you to fix it. I just need you to say, 'Wow. This has to be so hard for you.'"

Depending on the type of treatment that person is in with me and the goals they have in sessions, we may directly talk about how to get this need met or we may not. Either way, it takes a good amount of skillful, direct communication to communicate this to a partner, friend etc. Most people respond, "Oh it won't work. He/she/they won't change. It's useless." However, for those who try the things we practice, it often changes things, albeit small but change happens. Something I've learned as a therapist is that people can change. We have the ability to shape each others behaviors and get what we want out of relationships. It takes work and skill but it's possible.

Change may also show up for us when we realize who can give us validation when we need it and who can't. I think for everyone it's a good thing to keep in the rolodex of your mind when you specifically need validation- "Who are my supports who can sit in this with me and tell me it stinks without moving to problem solving?" Because the reality is, often times, we aren't looking for solutions, we just need to be heard.

There are many people in this world who have mastered this skill while others avoid it at all costs. At it's base, it's validation, and so many of us miss the mark.

Reasons might be: busyness of life, distractions in day-to-day, not valuing the relationship enough to listen or an actual skill deficit, meaning the person may never have learned how to validate, how to listen to someone else in a deeper way. (See above: They can be taught!)

Another tip I use and have mastered this fairly well with my fellow therapists friends- telling someone up front what I need, "Hey. I had a rough day. Do you have space to listen? I'm not looking for solutions." This can also ween out someone who might be carrying a lot themselves. We all know we've had conversations with someone else and just haven't had the capacity to actual give them what they need.

Another pro to being a direct communicator, you might be off the hook for solving everyone's problems.

You can just listen and reflect.

Here's to hoping we stop fixing and start listening.

*As always, my blog posts are not replacements for professional advice that you could receive one-on-one in a therapy office. If you are interested in individual therapy for PTSD, anxiety or depression treatment in the state of Missouri, please visit my contact page and reach out.